November 7, 2025

I have one week left.

In seven days, if I don’t update my blog subscription, my account will be terminated. Deleted. Gone. Over a year of writing, photographing, storytelling—vanished.

And honestly? Part of me wants to let it die.

The Technical Nightmare No One Warns You About

Here’s what they don’t tell you about living your dream life in France: international payment processing is a special kind of hell.

I’ve tried different cards. Different browsers. Different times of day. VPNs. International payment services.

Nothing works.

The same story with trying to establish my LLC. Every form, every payment portal, every supposed “international-friendly” platform—blocked. Rejected. Denied.

I’m sitting in my sun-drenched living room overlooking the Mediterranean Sea, living what looks like a dream life on Instagram, and I can’t even pay for the platform to share my story.

The irony isn’t lost on me.

The Question That Haunts Every Creator

But here’s the harder truth, the one that keeps me up at night:

Why am I even doing this?

I relaunched this blog well over a year ago with so much hope, so much fire, so much certainty that my story mattered.

Twenty subscribers.

That’s it. Just over twenty people.

Despite the cross-marketing on every social media platform. Despite the consistent posting. Despite the reposts, the graphics, the captions, the hashtags, the late nights editing photos and crafting the perfect words.

Twenty.

Some posts get zero comments. Zero reactions. Radio silence.

I watch other creators talk about their “thriving communities” and their “engaged audiences” and I wonder: What am I doing wrong?

Then I Remember Why I Started

But then—right when I’m about to close the laptop and let the renewal deadline pass—I remember.

I remember why I started this in the first place.

It wasn’t for followers. It wasn’t for likes. It wasn’t even for validation.

It was to share my story about the rewards of conquering fear, taking a leap of faith, and betting on yourself when everyone thinks you’re crazy.

And as I sit here, completely empty of motivation, void of resilience, swimming in frustration—I remember facing these exact same feelings before.

August 3, 2023: The Day I Almost Gave Up

I was in Bandol, just before I met my husband. I was questioning everything. My move from Aix-en-Provence. My decision to leave NYC. My choice to keep chasing this “dream life” that felt more like a nightmare of loneliness and uncertainty.

Something deep in my soul—I can’t explain it any other way—told me to write. To record my feelings. To capture that moment of doubt and fear and frustration.

I was shocked when, just over a year later—maybe a week or two after my wedding—I realized what that instinct had been about.

That moment of documentation wasn’t just journaling.

It was confirmation that my life was about to drastically change.

Because my husband and I married on August 3, 2024.

The Universe Has a Twisted Sense of Timing

When Eric and I were on the phone with the mairie reviewing available dates for our civil ceremony, the moment I heard “August 3rd,” something clicked.

“Yes,” I said immediately. “August 3rd.”

At that moment, I didn’t consciously remember what I’d written exactly one year prior. I just felt it was right. The perfect timing—right before everyone in France goes on holiday. It gave us enough time to plan and enjoy the experience leading up to our wedding.

But later, when I looked back at my journal entry from August 3, 2023—the day I almost gave up on everything—I understood.

The woman who wrote that entry, drowning in doubt, had no idea she was exactly one year away from marrying the love of her life.

She couldn’t see what was coming.

She almost quit right before the miracle.

So Here I Am, Writing Instead of Quitting

I guess that’s why I’m writing this post instead of giving up.

I can only imagine what my life will look like on November 7, 2026—exactly one year from today.

Maybe I’ll have figured out the payment processing nightmare.

Maybe I’ll have more than twenty subscribers.

Maybe I’ll have finally cracked the code to “building an audience.”

Or maybe—just maybe—one woman will read this post and decide not to give up on her own dream right before her breakthrough. And maybe that’s enough.

 I’m too far in to turn back now…

The Truth About Frustration and Happiness

No matter what happens with this blog, no matter how many technical obstacles block my path, no matter how small my audience stays—I need to say this:

My frustration does not diminish the happiness and satisfaction I feel.

I’ve overcome challenges I never thought possible.

I’ve created a life I never dared to dream about.

I left NYC when everyone said I was making a mistake.

I moved to France when it seemed impossible.

I found love at 47 when I’d almost given up on it.

I married a French farmer and became part of a legacy of love that spans generations.

I wrote a book about resilience, reinvention, and re-imagination—while living it in real time.

Twenty subscribers can’t erase that.

Technical payment failures can’t diminish that.

I am living proof that taking the leap is worth it, even when—especially when—it feels like you’re falling.

What Happens Next

I don’t know if I’ll solve the payment processing issue in the next seven days.

I don’t know if this blog will survive past next week.

I don’t know if anyone besides my twenty loyal subscribers will ever read this.

But I know this:

One year ago, I didn’t know I was about to meet my husband.

Today, I don’t know what magic is waiting just around the corner.

And that unknowing—that terrifying, beautiful, frustrating unknowing—is exactly where faith lives.

To the Woman Reading This

If you’re thinking about giving up on your dream—your blog, your business, your big move, your reinvention—I want you to hear this:

You might be exactly one year away from your miracle.

You might be one week away from the breakthrough.

You might be one more post, one more attempt, one more “I’ll try again tomorrow” away from everything changing.

I almost deleted this blog today.

Instead, I’m hitting publish.

Because somewhere, there’s a version of me from August 3, 2023, who needed to know:

Keep going. The best part is coming. You just can’t see it yet.

So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to find a way to renew this blog. Even if I have to have someone in the US process the payment. Even if I have to switch platforms. Even if I have to rebuild from scratch.

Because one year from now—November 7, 2026—I want to look back on this moment and say:

I’m so glad I didn’t quit.

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To my twenty subscribers: Thank you for being here. You have no idea how much it means that you showed up, even when it seemed like no one was watching.

To the person who just found this blog: Welcome. You arrived at exactly the right time. Nothing is a coincidence.

To future me: I hope you’re reading this with a smile, remembering the day you almost gave up but chose faith instead.

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What about you? Have you ever been on the edge of quitting something important? What made you keep going—or what made you stop? I’d love to hear your story in the comments. Let’s remind each other why we started.

P.S. If you know someone who’s about to give up on their dream, send them this post. Let’s build a community of people who choose courage over comfort, faith over fear, and one more day over giving up.

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Subscribe to my substack (if you’re reading this, the blog survived—help me keep it that way) at @nycgurlxpat

Follow the journey:
🌐 NYCgurlxpat.com
📘 @thappygirl-t5b
💼 LinkedIn:www.linkedin.com/in/thembi-costa-susinni045aa2255

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This post is dedicated to every woman who’s ever felt like her dreams were too small, too late, or too impossible. They’re not. Keep going.